"I gonna open up my own place. Open my own restaurant and get away from you people. I gonna open up a restaurant with two smoking sections; Ultra and Regular, ok? And we're not gonna have any tables or any chairs or any napkins. None of that pussy shit. Just a big wide open black space. And all we're gonna serve is raw meat, right on the bone! And only men are going to eat there, naked men, sitting around a big giant camp fire, and no men's room either. You have to piss, you mark your territory like a wolf! And if some guy has a heart attack from eating too much meat, fuck him, we throw him in the fire! More meat for the other meat-eaters! Yeah!
Because you gotta have goals. Because everybody in this room knows everybody who's quitting. You all have that friend who's quitting it. You know what I mean? The guys quitting it, "I quit smoking. I quit drugs. I quit drinking. I quit meat, and I feel great. I get up in the morning and have a nice big bowl of oat bran. I go to the bathroom for three and a half hours. I have another bowl of oat bran. I go back in the bathroom f..."
"And I'll tell you something else right now. I have the solution to the drug problem in this country. Nobody wants to hear it, but I have it. Not less drugs, more drugs. Get more drugs, and give 'em the right fucking people. Mmm mm, cuz every time you hear about some famous guy overdosing on drugs, it's always some really talented guy. It's always like Len Bias, or Janis Joplin, or Jimi Hendrix, or John Belushi. You know what I mean!? The people you wanna have overdose on drugs never would! Like Motley Crue would never fucking overdose man, never! You could put them in a room with two tons of crack. They come out a half an hour later, "Rock on man!" "Shit, they're still alive. Fuck! They're probly gonna make another double-live album now, God dammit!"
I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know where that's from? I heard the Beegees were getting back together again. I couldn't take it, okay! That was the only good thing about the 1980's. We got rid of one of the Beegees. One down, three to go. That's what I say, folks. Yeah! Here's ten bucks! Bring me the head of Barry Mantilow, alright? I wanna drink beer out of his empty head! I wanna have a Barry Mantilow skull keg party at my apartment, ok?! You write the songs, we'll drink the beer out of your head.
We live in a country, where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him and not one fucking bullet! Explain that to me! Explain that to me, God! Explain it to me, God! I want it! God! Jesus! Now we've got twenty-five more years. Yeah, I'm real fucking happy now, God. I'm wearing a huge happy hat, Jesus Christ! I mean Stevie Ray Vaughan is dead, and we can't get Jon Bon Jovi in a helicopter. Come on, folks. "Get on that helicopter John. Shut the fuck up and get on that helicopter! There's a hair dresser in there..."
"I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day, ok. And I am never fucking quitting! I don't care how many laws they make. What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?! The cops are outside, "We know you have the cigarettes. Come out of the house with the cigarettes above your head." "You'll never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear? I got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom. Yeah!"
Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies. So I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time. I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies all the way around my neck. I'll be Tracheotomie Man! "He can smoke a pack at a time! He's Tracheotomie Man!"
I can remember a time in thi..."