Weird Al Yankovic - Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics

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Artist: Weird Al Yankovic
Weird Al Yankovic Author
Album: Running With Scissors (0)
Weird Al Yankovic - Running With Scissors Album
Song Title: Your Horoscope For Today
Genre: Rock
Visits: 788
Print Version

Theres travel in your future when your tounge freezes to the back of a speeding bus,
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-a-mole 17 hours a day.

Try to aviod any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola Viruis
You are the true lord of the dance,
No matter what those idiots at work say


The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,
And give a hickey to Maryil Streep.

You will never find true happiness,
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict that tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today

Your birthday party will be ruined once again, by your explosive flatulance,
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancie throws a javilin through your chest.

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud,
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driving test.

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and tape it to your bosses face, oh no,
Eat a bucket of tuna flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligence, EXCEPT FOR YOU!
Expect a big suprise today, when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconciveable or at the very least a bit unlikely,
that the relitive position of the planets and the stars could have
could a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
But let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions,
are all based on on solid scientific documented evidence,
so you would have to be some kind of moron,
not to realize that every single one of them is absoultely true, Where was I?

A big promotion is just around the corner,
for someone much more talented than you!
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window,
Work a little bit harder on improving you low self esteem, you stupid freak.

All your friends are laughing behind your back, Kill Them....
Take down all the naked pictuires of Ernest Borgiene you've got hanging in your den.

The stars say you're a exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying,
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows and never, never, never, never, never, leave my house again

Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today
Thats your horoscope for today, for today-ay-ay-ay
Thats your horoscope for today

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Other Weird Al Yankovic song Lyrics
  • Callin in Sick
    "Gonna tell you a story
    About Chuck and Diane.
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    The palace at Buckingham...."
  • Since Youve Been Gone
    "When we first met she seemed perfectly normal
    I never dreamed she'd make my life so hard
    You see, my baby, she started to change
    Started lookin' kinda strange..."
  • Im So Sick Of You
    "You tell a joke and forget the punchline
    Why you always wastin' my time?
    Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
    Your hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty..."
  • The Night Santa Went Crazy
    "Well, hey, how ya doin'? Have a seat. Have a drink.
    Boy, it's good to see ya. What can I say?
    Wo, sorry, gotta run. We'll get together again.
    Say, what was your name, anyway?..."
  • Young, Dumb, and Ugly
    "We're dangerous dudes, we got bad attitudes
    Most of our brain cells are gone
    We were born to be better not get us mad
    Or we just might toilet paper your lawn..."
  • Franks 2000 TV
    "Risin\' above the city, blocking out the noonday sun
    It dwarfs the mighty redwoods and it towers over everyone
    I still remember when that delivery truck came down our block
    What a lucky guy, I hear he got the last one in stock..."
  • You Make Me
    "You make me wanna slam my head against the wall.
    You make me do the limbo.
    You make me wanna buy a slurpee at the mall.
    You make me watch the Gong Show...."
  • I Think Im a Clone Now
    "Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
    Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
    Like the time he pulled my pants off and he took those color pictures
    And posted copies all over town..."
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