Weird Al Yankovich - Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics

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Artist: Weird Al Yankovich
Song Title: Your Horoscope For Today
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AQUARIUS!
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes
to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-
Mole 17 hours a day

PISCES!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what
those idiots at work say

ARIES!
The look on your face will be priceless when you find
that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a
hickey to Meryl Streep

TAURUS!
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna
do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

GEMINI!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your
explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble your fiance
hurls a javelin through your chest

CANCER!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the
rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while
taking your driver's test

LEO!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it
down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

VIRGO!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -
except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with
your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets
and the stars could have a special deep significance or
meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let
me give you my assurance that these forecasts and
predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
moron not to realize that every single one of them is
absolutely true.

Where was I?

LIBRA!
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone
much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that
when your appendix bursts next week

SCORPIO!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall
screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak

SAGITTARIUS!
All your friends are laughing behind your back...
kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
you've got hanging in your den

CAPRICORN!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful
person... but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never
never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics at Lyricstrue

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Other Weird Al Yankovich song Lyrics
  • Albuquerque
    "Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the
    stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the
    street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway,
    back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy......"
  • Amish Paradise
    "As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
    I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
    But that's just perfect for an Amish like me
    You know I shun fancy things like electricity..."
  • Callin In Sick
    "Hit my snooze alarm for the 27th time
    Just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm
    Gonna hack and cough and wheeze
    Swear I've got some strange disease..."
  • Cavity Search
    "Listenin' to the Muzak
    Hearin' people scream
    Sittin' in the waiting room
    Readin' crappy magazines..."
  • Everything You Know Is Wrong
    "I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
    With a rabid wolverine in my underwear
    When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
    Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes..."
  • Germs
    "Sometimes I really want to be alone
    But that's one state I'm never in
    Because I know that I've got millions upon millions
    Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin..."
  • Grapefruit Diet
    "Who's that waddlin' down the street?
    It's just me, 'cause I love to eat
    Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
    Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!..."
  • Gump
    "Gump sat alone on a bench in the park
    "My name is Forrest," he'd casually remark
    Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets
    He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates..."


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